vulnerable (I can go the distance)

definition: open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.: an argument vulnerable to refutation; He is vulnerable to bribery.

I'm going to be vulnerable with you guys right now. I just kind of feel like I need to write out everything thats been going on in my life the past couple of weeks and even though its more for me, I am writing this in a public place for others to view. SO this might be long so bear with me if you are willing to listen.
So, these past couple of weeks have been crazy. I have felt like a human roller-coaster going up and down with trying to figure out what I'm suppose to be doing in life. For the past year I had my mind set on being a teacher. My mom has been a teacher my whole life and I always hated the idea but then when I started doing it, I enjoyed the challenge of it. But I got tired of it really fast. I realized it wasn't my passion but I kept doing it cause it was a job and I knew that there must be a reason why God opened that door for teaching. Then this year I took a class, music in elementary education. That class made me rediscover my joy and passion for music. Then through that class, I was invited to join orchestra. I have never been so happy as I have been these past 6 months. I love being around music, I love to play it, I love to hear it, I love everything about it. It was the one thing that was getting me through this hard year of work.
Now, the crazy thing is, when I decided to take this leap and move to MI, I was still planning on pursuing teaching. I don't know why, but I never gave any thought of the idea of having music more in my profession.
But then I discovered the idea of music therapy. I love that idea, I really do... but I still was trying to convince myself of the whole counseling aspect of it. I love doing ministry and helping people, don't get me wrong, but I still loved the music part of it more. Having grown up in a christian home and being a christian myself, I was convinced that the only way to really please God was to be directly helping others.
So, then... there I was, trying to make this other idea of a career work so that I could still please others in my career. Yes, I thought I was tring to please God but I was really just worried about what others would think if I didn't do teaching.
So to think that the only way I could please God was to try and force myself into ministry and teaching.
Biggest lie ever!
God gives us all certain passions. I don't need to be a teacher to be a "good christian". I just need to live life to the fullest and make sure that I am giving God my all in whatever I do. Well God gave me a passion for music and huge heart for others. I realized how much music has a healing power and how much it helped me. I realized that I could go into any music profession and somehow still minister to others.
So, while I was in VA, Liz and I talked a lot! She explained her career to me and her passion for music and we just really connected. I realized how much I love the idea of doing sound mixing and recording.
(this is the part where I am open to moral attack and criticism for constantly changing my mind in what I want to do)
I spent several days researching and talking to Liz and Geoh about what they do and got really excited about it. I mean, who's to say that by orchestrating a certain piece of music... someone won't pick it up, listen to it and have that very song get them through the day.
That to me sounds like the most amazing way to reach others. And you know what? I think that is exactly what God wants from us. He wants us to give him our very best, he wants our passions, he wants it all. Well music is my life, its my all. If I want to give God my all, then he's gonna get my heart for music.
Live life with no regrets. Thats what I keep telling myself. Failing is amazing. By failing I learn to get back up again. I wont let my fire go out. I am going to continue this journey of finding my true purpose and I'm gonna be holding on to God's hand the entire way. I will get that 3 layer fun fetti cake. (see "Drifter" blog if you are confused by funfetti statement)
So, I really haven't told anyone about my new revelation. You all are basically the first to know. I few know. So, even though a part of me feels like the biggest flake and loser, the other part of my is telling that side to shut up because I am going to continue on this journey with no regrets. There is a reason why all of this is happening in this transitional time of my life. Its the perfect time for me to make these discoveries.
So I feel the need to end this blog with some lyrics from a song from Hercules

"I'll be there someday
I can go the distance
I will find my way
If I can be strong
I know ev'ry mile
Will be worth my while
When I go the distance
I'll be right where I belong
But to look beyond the glory is the hardest part
For a hero's strength is measured by his heart
Like a shooting star
I can go the distance
I will search the world
I will face its harms
I don't care how far
I can go the distance"

So, I'm gonna continue this journey cause I know every mile with be worth my while and I'm so glad that God has placed certain people in my life to help remind me.

So... yes, this is where I am at in my life right now.
the end